The letter I Could Barely Write

The early spring of my freshman year of college I wrote my dad a letter. As some of you may know I am a little on the quiet side. I take after my dad in this attribute. Each weekend I would go home I wanted to tell my dad how much I love him. Each weekend I saw him get weaker and weaker with cancer. Each time I tried my throat would close up, the threat of tears urgently arriving. I just couldn't do it. My dad and I had never really talked about our emotions with each other and I didn't know how to start. I talked to one of my good friends Haley about it. She told me that I needed to write him a letter if I couldn't actually tell him. So I sat at our kitchen bar table and wrote him a letter describing how much I loved him. All the things that I loved about him and how proud and lucky I was to be his daughter. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done. I don't know how I made it through the letter. The tears never ceased while I was penning the words. After I did write the letter I felt a weight release. It was as if I was letting go of my fear of losing my dad by telling him how I felt. I was letting go of my dad. Slowly God was preparing my heart for my dads death that July.

Today marks two years since my dad has gone to heaven. It feels more like two months. Yet sometimes it feels as if its been way longer than two years. My heart still remembers the peace, joy, pain, sorrow that followed the day he passed. Today I decided to write my dad a letter. Telling him all the things I would if he was still here with me. To fill him in on the two years of life I've lived without him. So here goes nothing.

Dear Dad,
         First off I love you. I miss you dearly. Life seems so crazy and mixed up sometimes. I have moments where I wish I could just pick up my phone and call you and tell you about all that life has brought me in these last two years. So much life has happened and so much about my life has changed. Its so interesting to look back on all my journal entries from that time. I hope you know that your death has changed me but it has changed my heart to understand the important things in life. I look back on your life and see all the things you did well and maybe didn't do well. I see how much you loved and served people in everyday life. How you took young men under your wing to teach them what being a man means and bring them into friendship and mentorship to do so. Dad you loved people so beautifully. Not just for what they were but for what they could be. I loved that about you. Now looking back I see how much grace and love you gave people and it inspires me to do the same. I have learned that death is a real thing and it sucks. But I know that through this I have learned that death sucks but eternity is real. That its an urgent point of conversation. I know you are in heaven now. Not because you did great things in life (which you did) but because you had a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. You recognized your sin and realized that Jesus could wipe the shame away but more so pay the debt of sin. Death. In this I know that death not longer had its true sting for you. Because death is just the beginning of eternity praising your lord and savior. Knowing all this has impacted me deeply. It has given me eternal perspective. That I would not have if your death hadn't shown me. Dad you have made such a huge impact. Not just in your close family or friends lives, but in the new friends that they make. Strangers that you have never met but you impact them because you displayed the gospel of the your savior to your dying breath. Dad you don't know how much you getting baptized two weeks before you died made my heart soar with love and pride. You have deeply changed me in beautiful ways. I am not going to lie, it has been painful at times. I miss you so so much and sometimes the ache feels too deep to bare. The hardest lesson for me to learn was that I had put your life and my relationship with you before my relationship with God. In my last letter I wrote you I had to let you go and trust God. It was so hard. It continues to be hard. But God in his love and kindness continues to be with me and sustain me. I want to share with you this poem I wrote not long before I wrote you the last letter.

Stronghold
I cry and weep
Dry tears sting my cheeks

My hands are raised
Im down on my knees
I can't
I can't without you

My strength is failing me
Im leaning on you oh king
My stronghold, my everything

Take me
Take me into your arms
Your grace fills every
Crevice of my soul
In you Im whole

I want you to know that I have continued your legacy of loving people. That I desire to bring young women under my wing and teach them what relationship with Christ looks like. That it is all I have that matters. That in the valley of the shadow of death it is Christ that brought me out. Not the perfect words or friends but Christ himself. In that I saw the reality of life. That without Christ there is no life. I love and miss you dearly dad. I miss your laugh and your smile. Your sarcastic facial expressions and sense of humor. Your quiet peace and listening ears. Your steadfastness and loyalty. Your kindness and compassion. I miss you but I know that life is more than death and death is just the beginning. There has been victory over death. And I rest in the peace of that truth.

Your loving daughter,
McKenna


Isaiah 61:3
To comfort all who mourn: to grant to those who morn in Zion- to give them a beautiful headdress instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, the garment of praise instead of a faint spirit; that they may be called oaks of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that he may be glorified.


The Beauty Between - Kings Kaleidoscope (Ft. Andy Mineo) 

Fortunately fall into between the beauty between Only God above me, painting my scene Fortunately fall into between the beauty between [Verse 1: Chad Gardner] Couldn't wait for the summer But now I'm missing the spring And I exhausted the winter Craving what it couldn't bring Painting the world to be hopeless Painting it perfect and fine Who would I want on the canvas? Every color my design How do I hold all of the discord All of my answers collide Fighting for progress and click send And there's no truth between the pride Nobody sees all the pieces Tricky to balance a beast I am a pendulum swinging Still I know You're holding me [Hook] When the sky is falling, when life is a dream I fortunately fall into the beauty between Only God above me, painting my scene I fortunately fall into the beauty between [Verse 2: Andy Mineo] Yeah, now All the pressure on me got me weighed down Nowadays I'm looking for a way out Instead of getting out, what I'm supposed to do Through that situation, God brought me closer It ain't totally [b-game] But I do-si-do with the pain And a dose of that is like soap But an open wound to be clean Gotta happen, know it hurt Getting better, feeling worse I'm just happy that I work Stacking bread instead of dirt I'ma adjust the perspective What's an election? Love is the weapon Trust in the blessing Posing my faith I hold the intention That became my profession The answer came in a question like "If it all fell apart, would I trust in God? And if it's all good, do I need Him at all?" That's when I found that beauty in between If you know that, you don't know that much You know just what I mean [Hook] When the sky is falling, when life is a dream I fortunately fall into the beauty between Only God above me, painting my scene I fortunately fall into the beauty between [Bridge] Give me water, lift it up Take my time to taste the cup Realize a different story Full of life and full of glory [Outro] When the sky is falling, when life is a dream I fortunately fall into the beauty between Only God above me, painting my scene I fortunately fall into the beauty between