Full Surrender

Lately I have been struggling. It's taken some time of processing to quite put words to my struggle. In general it has been kind of like a "what am I doing with my life" kind of flow. Moving down to a new state to help start a new church and college ministry within that church sometimes sounds like a glorious and courageous thing to do. But let me tell you, oh how it is hard. Not in the way you sometimes think. Moving down I could somewhat grasp what I was giving up and what it would feel like. Now after more than a semester in Columbia, I can tell you that I had no idea. Ha. When you put your yes on the table for God, he may take you to places you never thought you would go. I knew coming down I was giving up dreams, ideas, security, comfort, etc. But when all of those things actually become real oh how my heart was dumb. I panicked. I was in this weird zone where I was realizing that I had absolutely no idea where my path of life was going and what was next. As a planner this is terrifying.

After coming back from South East Asia for christmas break I was dissatisfied with where my life was. Fear and lack of trust had begun to take root in my heart. I just didn't know how things would work out. I stopped reading my bible. Distracted myself with shows. I didn't want to feel. There was no joy. I didn't understand what was going on. I had thought I had learned what it meant to surrender everything to God. I mean I moved a state away, gave up my future, friends, comfort all for His glory. But I hadn't. God was slowly and gently showing me that. I was gripping to my life with a crazy stubbornness. I had lost sight of what truly mattered. My whole purpose, and the gospel itself. I lost the joy of just purely resting in who God is. That he saved me, loves me, and is present always.
Even the sparrows know that God provides. Yet my lack of trust put me to doubt who God is and that he has a beautiful plan for HIS glory not mine. Even if I think my life should look a different way. Or question why it looks the way it does. One of my favorite people told me that, "Maybe God is asking you to take joy in his presence and to seek him, not the answers he can give for your life. He himself is the answer." Slowly God is restoring the joy of my salvation within my heart. Lies I had been believing are being torn down by the truth of the gospel.

//Mathew 6:25-34//

"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? 26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life[a]?

28 “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29 Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30 If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? 31 So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’32 For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." 

//Mathew 10:39//

"Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it."

Some times the lyrics of songs turn into prayers of my heart. God oh please let me desire to do your will in all things. Even if that means letting everything go for your sake. So often my heart is fickle and selfish. Continue to break me down and build me back up in YOUR image, not my own. Here are a couple of songs that I am playing nonstop right now. One is the lyrics for "I Surrender All " and the other a you tube link to "Lay It All Down".



I Surrender All: Citizens and Saints

All to Jesus I surrender All to him I freely give I will ever love and trust him

In his presence daily live. All to Jesus I surrender Humbly at his feet I bow Worldly pleasures all forsaken Take me, Jesus, take me now I surrender all, I surrender all All to thee, my blessed Savior I surrender all All to Jesus I surrender Lord, I give myself to thee Fill me with thy love and power Let thy blessing fall on me. I surrender all, I surrender all All to thee, my blessed Savior I surrender all I surrender all, I surrender all All to thee, my blessed Savior I surrender all I surrender all Oh the joy of full salvation Sin and death defeated Glory to His name Oh the joy of full salvation Sin and death defeated Glory to His name Oh the joy of full salvation Sin and death defeated Glory to His name Oh the joy of full salvation Sin and death defeated Glory to His name I surrender all, I surrender all All to thee, my blessed Savior I surrender all