Blessed Assurance, Jesus is Mine

Its hard to believe that it has been a year since my dad has passed. Some days it feels like it was forever ago, yet others it feels like just yesterday. I can remember the day with such clarity. Its hard to describe my initial reaction. I would say that my first feeling was one of peace and joy. I know that sounds weird. But my dad had been in so much pain and agony for many days. I was at peace knowing that, because my dad had a personal relationship with Jesus, he was now in heaven. He is no longer suffering in that physical pain. That gave me joy because he is in the best place he could be. The rest of that day was kind of a blur. I put on my feel better flannel (yes in the dead of summer) and I have no idea what I did the rest of the day. The weeks after his funeral and visitation blurred by. I didn't know what to say to people, and they to me. The pain and hurt at that time was so sharp that I was numb to the thought of it. But life moves on. In the coming months I would have my good and bad days. For me I was holding onto a lot of hurt that I put on God. Hurt that this had to happen. I just missed my dad so much. Every wedding, every father daughter picture, every reminder of my dad made my heart ache and ache. In the fall I started to read through the book of James. I love James. But I had previously read it when I was in a different season of life. This time it started to click.  

//Consider it a great joy, my brothers, whenever you experience various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. But endurance must do its complete work, so that you may be mature and complete, lacking nothing.//  James 1:2-4


At first I was like GREAT joy? In my head I thought, I am struggling with joy let alone GREAT joy. Then I continued through the verse. Testing of faith produces endurance. Creating more maturity and completeness. Suddenly it dawned on me. In the pain and the sadness God had always been right there. He is the God of all comfort. Jesus is even called man of sorrows. He knows what it is like to be separated from someone. And through this trial God was bringing me into a closer relationship with Him. I looked up the definition of Joy and I found this:

Joy: The emotion of great delight or happiness caused by something exceptionally good or satisfying.

When I broke this apart I noticed the good and satisfying aspects of the definition. God is the ultimate good and the only thing that truly satisfies. Through Jesus and the gift of grace given on the cross we can experience true relationship with God. The joy isn't in the circumstance life has you in. Or how your feeling on a given day. True joy is rooted in God. Its not a flighty emotion and it doesn't always look happy. But it is a deep assurance of the future hope to come. I think thats what started to click. That I was evaluating my joy based on my circumstance and basic emotions. Not on the assurance I had through Christ. This past year God has slowly been revealing my heart. The things I thought I had learned I relearned. He revealed my rawness and the depth of my hurt. I have grown so much in my relationship with Jesus. It has become so much more rooted and deep. I like the way C.S. Lewis describes it in his book A Grief Observed, 

"God has not been trying an experiment on my faith or love in order to find out their quality. He knew it already. It was I who didn't. He always knew that my temple was a house of cards. His only way of making me realize the fact was to knock it down."

In this year I have drawn closer to God and reformed my faith in solid foundation of hope. Not in a house of cards easily blown over. It has been a hard year and I miss my dad dearly. But I hold onto my heavily father's hand and continue to live in hope. I have seen that life on this earth isn't forever. And it gives me urgency to share the good news of Christ. That He died on the cross for our sins and rose again defeating the penalty of those sins. Death. That we can have a personal relationship with Him and take part in the future glory of heaven. 

Today is a hard day, but I take comfort in knowing my dad is in heaven and pain free. I take comfort in knowing that my Lord and Savior is with me at every step. I take comfort in the fact that He hears my every cry and prayer. 

JOY by: Sleeping At Last 

it is the calm water
in the middle of an anxious sea.
where heavy clouds part and the sunrise starts
a fire in the deepest part of me.
so i let go and in this moment, I can breathe.

the clumsy start of adolescence,
the glue that mends our broken remnants,
an overwhelming sense of reverence,
it’s a glimpse of light in a mine of gold.

a silver lining spilling over,
the rumor of buried treasure,
the starting line of an adventure,
it’s a glimpse of light in a mine of gold.

it’s an afterglow, it’s an echo
still ringing out in spite of me.
it’s the faint outline of the divine
in the hiding place of my periphery.
so i let go and in this moment, i can breathe.
i can breathe.

the setting sun through open windows,
the honoring of every shadow,
a gratitude for all that follows,
it’s a glimpse of light in a mine of gold.

the countless stars we’re sleeping under,
it’s the brightest sparks that we remember.
when our eyes are closed, we still see embers,
a glimpse of light in a mine of gold.
it’s a glimpse of light in a mine of gold.