Even When It Hurts

It has been over two months since my last post. In the last two months I have experienced more pain then I ever thought possible. You never know what it will be like to watch someone you love struggle with intense pain daily, until their body can't take it any longer. The pain isn't something you can ignore or turn off. Its depth scares you and makes you seek something to grab onto to anchor you. In everything God has always been there with me. In every moment He was my anchor. My dad struggled with cancer for a long time, but the last week was the hardest. It never seemed to end. At the time I asked God "Why does he have to go through so much pain before he meets you. He has struggled with this for so long." My heart was desperate for an answer, for a clear reason. God chose to reveal himself later on to me.

My dad passed away July 5, 2015. It feels kind of like it was last week instead of over a month ago. The pain feels just as deep and real as it did that day. The hard thing to explain is the joy and peace that also comes with my dad's passing. The fact of the matter is, my dad had given his life to Christ and had a personal relationship with God. In this I have peace and joy because my dad is home in heaven and is pain free. Even on the days where its hard to hold back the tears I still have joy in the fact that my dad is in heaven. My heart may miss him abundantly but I know that he is where is supposed to be and that I will see him again someday. Its sometimes really hard to explain this to people. Its hard to know what to do or say around people sometimes. Especially right after he passed. I was pretty numb and I didn't really show much emotion to the people around me. It was hard because I wasn't easy to be around, but I needed people around me. Joy came in the little things; taking a car ride in the sunshine with my twin, stargazing at night with my mom and sister, hearing my nephews and niece giggle. God showed his power and glory in the little things.

My dad's funeral was beautiful. The most beautiful thing about it was that the gospel was clearly portrayed. God used dad's pain and suffering, before he passed, to reach people. God used all of the pain for His glory. Bit by bit God was revealing some of his purpose and plan through the trial. One of the hardest things to hear is a grown man weeping. When we followed my dad's casket to the fire truck he built that's what I heard. The love that my dad poured into his fire department was being poured back out by the men and women that he served and made family. Dad loved people like Christ did, and it was very evident the impact his life had made that day. My dad was a pretty humble guy so a lot of the things he did I never knew about. I never thought his funeral would be as big as it was.


Do you not know? Have you not heard? The lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and the young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint
~ Isaiah 40:28-31~

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the suffering of Christ flow over into your lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows. 
~2Corinthians 1:3-5~



Coming back to school was really good. A routine. Close friends. It also was hard. The first question somebody, that you haven't seen in a while, asks is how was your summer? or what did you do this summer? For me each time someone asks this I think about my summer and feel all the pain and Joy that occurred. Its hard for me to give someone I don't know well an honest answer. I say "Oh it was pretty good," when inside I know it was a really hard summer. Coming back to my Candeo and Salt community is awesome. Having a group of people that know me well and are there for me anytime makes a huge difference. I feel blessed to be up here in Cedar Falls where I can have that kind of community. This year I am Co-leading a connection group for The Salt Company Ministry at UNI. I am really excited about this year and coming alongside fellow college students and encouraging and challenging them. This year might be hard, but I think God is going to use it for his glory. I pray that I am humble enough to admit my pain and weaknesses to the people around me.

Even When It Hurts : Hillsong United 

Take this fainted heart
Take these tainted hands
Wash me in Your love
Come like grace again

Even when my strength is lost
I'll praise You
Even when I have no song
I'll praise You
Even when it's hard to find the words
Louder then I'll sing Your praise

[Chorus]
I will only sing Your praise
I will only sing Your praise
I will only sing Your praise

[Verse 2]
Take this mountain weight
Take these ocean tears
Hold me through the trial
Come like hope again

Even when the fight seems lost
I'll praise You
Even when it hurts like hell
I'll praise You
Even when it makes no sense to sing
Louder then I'll sing Your praise

[Chorus]

[Bridge]
And my heart burns only for You
You are all You are all I want
And my soul waits only for You
And I will sing till the morning has come

Lord my heart burns only for You
You are all You are all I want
And my soul waits only for You
And I will sing till the miracle comes

[Chorus]

[Interlude]
Even when the morning comes
I'll praise You
Even when the fight is won
I'll praise You
Even when my time on earth is done
Louder then I'll sing your praise

[Outro]
I will only sing Your praise



It is Well With My Soul : Horatio Spafford 

1. 
   
2. When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
   When sorrows like sea billows roll;
   Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say,
   It is well, it is well with my soul.
   • Refrain:
     It is well with my soul,
     It is well, it is well with my soul.
3. Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
   Let this blest assurance control,
   That Christ hath regarded my helpless estate,
   And hath shed His own blood for my soul.
4. My sin—oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!—
   My sin, not in part but the whole,
   Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
   Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!
5. For me, be it Christ, be it Christ hence to live:
   If Jordan above me shall roll,
   No pang shall be mine, for in death as in life
   Thou wilt whisper Thy peace to my soul.
6. But, Lord, ’tis for Thee, for Thy coming we wait,
   The sky, not the grave, is our goal;
   Oh, trump of the angel! Oh, voice of the Lord!
   Blessed hope, blessed rest of my soul!
7. And Lord, haste the day when the faith shall be sight,
   The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
   The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
   Even so, it is well with my soul.